It's been so long since I've posted because I got really down and decided I didn't care, but though it has been a long, tough time prepping for this surgery, I am finally here. Tomorrow is my big day, and I have to be to the hospital by 9:15a. I am so excited, and glad I decided to go through with it. I'm so glad I didn't lose view of what I really want for myself, and that I kept on course this long.
Wish me luck in the OR tomorrow!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
A detour to your new life
is that your final answer?
I've made the decision to recommit to surgery, and get it done. I think it's what I need to do to get my life back on track. It's what I need to do for me.
This decision was not made lightly, though. After three weeks of basically going completely off-program, after losing my first date because I couldn't quit smoking, I am done with this lifestyle. Smoking cigarettes is so terrible for me, I have to stop, whether or not I'm going to have surgery. It will kill me.
I think it happened because I just kind of jumped into the idea of surgery so quickly. It first dawned on me, and after doing only cursory research, I signed up and started going to doctor's appointments. I learned alot throughout the process, from doctors and websites and forums, and it has changed my view on surgery, or rather how surgery will affect my life. Many people say "Surgery is not a magic pill," and although I read it many times, I never believed it deep down. I was sure that surgery would change my life completely, that I'd suddenly have a perfect life. After learning that this was not the case, I wavered on the idea of having surgery. If I wasn't going to be perfect, what was the point? For the life of me, I can't figure out why I think that way, but it's the truth. So, to sum this up, I am done with my hiatus. Tomorrow (or rather when I wake up today) is the first day sans cigarettes, and if I manage to go smokefree until Monday, I get to call my case coordinator and reschedule for six weeks from tomorrow. I'm not going to worry about starting Medifast again until I find out when my date is, I only have 16 pounds to lose, and if I need to snack a little bit in order to quit smoking successfully, I'll take it. Quitting smoking is the first step I need to accomplish.
Signing off.
I've made the decision to recommit to surgery, and get it done. I think it's what I need to do to get my life back on track. It's what I need to do for me.
This decision was not made lightly, though. After three weeks of basically going completely off-program, after losing my first date because I couldn't quit smoking, I am done with this lifestyle. Smoking cigarettes is so terrible for me, I have to stop, whether or not I'm going to have surgery. It will kill me.
I think it happened because I just kind of jumped into the idea of surgery so quickly. It first dawned on me, and after doing only cursory research, I signed up and started going to doctor's appointments. I learned alot throughout the process, from doctors and websites and forums, and it has changed my view on surgery, or rather how surgery will affect my life. Many people say "Surgery is not a magic pill," and although I read it many times, I never believed it deep down. I was sure that surgery would change my life completely, that I'd suddenly have a perfect life. After learning that this was not the case, I wavered on the idea of having surgery. If I wasn't going to be perfect, what was the point? For the life of me, I can't figure out why I think that way, but it's the truth. So, to sum this up, I am done with my hiatus. Tomorrow (or rather when I wake up today) is the first day sans cigarettes, and if I manage to go smokefree until Monday, I get to call my case coordinator and reschedule for six weeks from tomorrow. I'm not going to worry about starting Medifast again until I find out when my date is, I only have 16 pounds to lose, and if I need to snack a little bit in order to quit smoking successfully, I'll take it. Quitting smoking is the first step I need to accomplish.
Signing off.
Monday, January 24, 2011
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need,
When you feel so tired that you can't sleep,
Stuck in reverse.
Sounds pretty accurate.
Due to insurance complications (as I'm telling the family), or my inability to quit smoking (as is the real reason), I will not be having my RnY on 2/3. I now have to wait at least 6 more weeks, possibly longer, as I won't know until tomorrow when they can fit me in the schedule. I'm so incredibly bummed out, but I know it's my fault. I quit, I really did, it just didn't last. I failed, but I will get up and try again, because I want this more than anything.
I was driving today, thinking about why I have an incredible fear of rejection...warning, psychology major will now try to analyze herself. Sounds like a sideshow.
Anyway, I was wondering why I have this amazingly strong fear of being rejected. I know it's why I don't let people get close to me, I just don't know why it exists. If you asked my mother, it's because I'm "not comfortable in my own skin," which loosely translated means cause I'm fat and unhappy about it. But that's patently untrue. My fear of rejection started much earlier than that, along with my hatred of my body. I hated my appearance even before I got fat. I was a normal-sized middleschooler, and yet I cried when I had to buy size 9 jeans, because my two best friends at the time were sizes 3 and 0, respectively. I was always hip-py, with an hourglassish kind of figure, I was never a stick, and I developed curves that I had no idea what to do with. So I threw tantrums about my size when clothing shopping. Looking back, I'd swallow glass to be a size 9...so, and here comes the crazy part, I wonder if becoming fat was the "cosmos" way of making me realize that size 9 is not fat. I'm not a real devout person, I can hardly call myself religious, or even spiritual, and I mostly consider myself agnostic, but it seems like the gods were teaching me a lesson with this. It's just a thought I tossed around, realizing tonight that I would kill to be a size 9 now, and back then, you would have thought I was having my toenails ripped off, the way I carried on about my jeans size. So I wonder if maybe this whole weight-gain thing was to make me appreciate a 9, or thereabouts.
But that still doesn't solve the whole fear of rejection, combined with a fear of abandonment. Abandonment doesn't really seem like the right word, but I fear that I'll get close to someone and they'll leave...no I guess that is pretty much the definition of abandonment. I've been throwing around common causes, and the only one that fits me is that my parents divorced. But even that doesn't fit, because I actually saw my dad MORE when they split. He worked so much when I was little, day/night jobs, we rarely had family time. Anyway, without getting too far into my parents' story, I really don't think that this is the cause. So I am left to consider other potential reasons. Maybe this would be a good time to talk to my therapist. I want answers, because everyone expects me to "come out of my shell" and become a "social butterfly" when I get skinny, and I have to keep reminding them that I will still be the same me, just less of me. I'm still going to have the same messed-up, pessimistic view of things, and I'm still going to be (for all intents and purposes) emotionally handicapped. I would prefer to be emotionally handi-capable, but that's just not going to happen without a major mind overhaul.
I feel lost here, not just because of the surgery delay, but because it means I now have to withdraw from this semester, because with my luck, I'll get scheduled precisely on midterm/finals week. There's just no way I'll be able to keep up with my surgery that far into the semester. So bummer, I now have absolutely nothing to do with my days, but not smoke, and not eat. Should be nice and easy to accomplish since those are my crutches. When I'm bored, I smoke. When things don't go right, I eat. So now I need to find something to do, or I'm going to lose my mind in this house.
Agh, it's late and I'm tired, but if I'm going to get through these next few days not smoking, I'm probably going to need to be asleep 97% of the time, so I'll stay up. I've read that cigarettes are supposed to be more addictive than heroin, and that in the past years, tobacco companies are adding even more addictive crap to them. And yet I still smoke, knowing this. I regret ever starting..completely.
So, not much else to report. Will hopefully have my new and improved date tomorrow, or Tuesday, depending on which day the coordinator gets back. Hope for something soon for me.
Signing off, comment at will. (or against your will, if you prefer.)
When you feel so tired that you can't sleep,
Stuck in reverse.
Sounds pretty accurate.
Due to insurance complications (as I'm telling the family), or my inability to quit smoking (as is the real reason), I will not be having my RnY on 2/3. I now have to wait at least 6 more weeks, possibly longer, as I won't know until tomorrow when they can fit me in the schedule. I'm so incredibly bummed out, but I know it's my fault. I quit, I really did, it just didn't last. I failed, but I will get up and try again, because I want this more than anything.
I was driving today, thinking about why I have an incredible fear of rejection...warning, psychology major will now try to analyze herself. Sounds like a sideshow.
Anyway, I was wondering why I have this amazingly strong fear of being rejected. I know it's why I don't let people get close to me, I just don't know why it exists. If you asked my mother, it's because I'm "not comfortable in my own skin," which loosely translated means cause I'm fat and unhappy about it. But that's patently untrue. My fear of rejection started much earlier than that, along with my hatred of my body. I hated my appearance even before I got fat. I was a normal-sized middleschooler, and yet I cried when I had to buy size 9 jeans, because my two best friends at the time were sizes 3 and 0, respectively. I was always hip-py, with an hourglassish kind of figure, I was never a stick, and I developed curves that I had no idea what to do with. So I threw tantrums about my size when clothing shopping. Looking back, I'd swallow glass to be a size 9...so, and here comes the crazy part, I wonder if becoming fat was the "cosmos" way of making me realize that size 9 is not fat. I'm not a real devout person, I can hardly call myself religious, or even spiritual, and I mostly consider myself agnostic, but it seems like the gods were teaching me a lesson with this. It's just a thought I tossed around, realizing tonight that I would kill to be a size 9 now, and back then, you would have thought I was having my toenails ripped off, the way I carried on about my jeans size. So I wonder if maybe this whole weight-gain thing was to make me appreciate a 9, or thereabouts.
But that still doesn't solve the whole fear of rejection, combined with a fear of abandonment. Abandonment doesn't really seem like the right word, but I fear that I'll get close to someone and they'll leave...no I guess that is pretty much the definition of abandonment. I've been throwing around common causes, and the only one that fits me is that my parents divorced. But even that doesn't fit, because I actually saw my dad MORE when they split. He worked so much when I was little, day/night jobs, we rarely had family time. Anyway, without getting too far into my parents' story, I really don't think that this is the cause. So I am left to consider other potential reasons. Maybe this would be a good time to talk to my therapist. I want answers, because everyone expects me to "come out of my shell" and become a "social butterfly" when I get skinny, and I have to keep reminding them that I will still be the same me, just less of me. I'm still going to have the same messed-up, pessimistic view of things, and I'm still going to be (for all intents and purposes) emotionally handicapped. I would prefer to be emotionally handi-capable, but that's just not going to happen without a major mind overhaul.
I feel lost here, not just because of the surgery delay, but because it means I now have to withdraw from this semester, because with my luck, I'll get scheduled precisely on midterm/finals week. There's just no way I'll be able to keep up with my surgery that far into the semester. So bummer, I now have absolutely nothing to do with my days, but not smoke, and not eat. Should be nice and easy to accomplish since those are my crutches. When I'm bored, I smoke. When things don't go right, I eat. So now I need to find something to do, or I'm going to lose my mind in this house.
Agh, it's late and I'm tired, but if I'm going to get through these next few days not smoking, I'm probably going to need to be asleep 97% of the time, so I'll stay up. I've read that cigarettes are supposed to be more addictive than heroin, and that in the past years, tobacco companies are adding even more addictive crap to them. And yet I still smoke, knowing this. I regret ever starting..completely.
So, not much else to report. Will hopefully have my new and improved date tomorrow, or Tuesday, depending on which day the coordinator gets back. Hope for something soon for me.
Signing off, comment at will. (or against your will, if you prefer.)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
As strange as it seems I'd rather dissolve than have you ignore me
Ah, the big one..15 days left as of midnight tonight..we're getting down to the wire now!
Of course, I have until next Friday, my final weigh-in at my pre-op, to get to 281.6. I was at 292 of my last scale jump, so let's see if I can get there.
I start classes tomorrow (yay, not)...it's going to be interesting. I have 3 classes MW, 1 TTH, and 4 F. So all in all, I'm taking 4 classes, or 12 credits. Not bad considering I'm going to miss a couple weeks for the operation and recovery time. Hoping for a speedy recovery! or else I'm doomed this semester.
Now, onto some heavier stuff..literally..I'm finding myself having trouble sticking to my diet. I am so sick of MediFast I could pull my hair out. So I've been sneaking snacks. I'm trying to control it, but the problem is, at the time it seems like such a good idea, then afterwards I am so angry with myself. I know it needs to stop, and I've made the resolution to be done with it. No more snacking! I want this so bad, and it almost seems like I'm sabotaging myself, probably because I'm scared. My fat has been a barrier for me since I got sick. It (and my caustic personality) keep people at a distance. I know that I can do that if I need to even when I am skinny, but being fat means I have my best friend (food!) with me, and I can rely on it whenever I need it. I have got to get out of this mindset or I am going to fail at this.
So, the resolution..
ABSOLUTELY NO SNACKING OR CHEATING. It's done, over. I have very little time to get to goal, and if I don't, no surgery. And I couldn't deal with that. Having it cancelled because I didn't lose enough..can you say failure? So I have to do it, lest I be rescheduled (gasp).
Wish me luck at school tomorrow, we'll see just how behind I'm going to get while I'm out from my syllabi.
Signing off, comment at will.
Of course, I have until next Friday, my final weigh-in at my pre-op, to get to 281.6. I was at 292 of my last scale jump, so let's see if I can get there.
I start classes tomorrow (yay, not)...it's going to be interesting. I have 3 classes MW, 1 TTH, and 4 F. So all in all, I'm taking 4 classes, or 12 credits. Not bad considering I'm going to miss a couple weeks for the operation and recovery time. Hoping for a speedy recovery! or else I'm doomed this semester.
Now, onto some heavier stuff..literally..I'm finding myself having trouble sticking to my diet. I am so sick of MediFast I could pull my hair out. So I've been sneaking snacks. I'm trying to control it, but the problem is, at the time it seems like such a good idea, then afterwards I am so angry with myself. I know it needs to stop, and I've made the resolution to be done with it. No more snacking! I want this so bad, and it almost seems like I'm sabotaging myself, probably because I'm scared. My fat has been a barrier for me since I got sick. It (and my caustic personality) keep people at a distance. I know that I can do that if I need to even when I am skinny, but being fat means I have my best friend (food!) with me, and I can rely on it whenever I need it. I have got to get out of this mindset or I am going to fail at this.
So, the resolution..
ABSOLUTELY NO SNACKING OR CHEATING. It's done, over. I have very little time to get to goal, and if I don't, no surgery. And I couldn't deal with that. Having it cancelled because I didn't lose enough..can you say failure? So I have to do it, lest I be rescheduled (gasp).
Wish me luck at school tomorrow, we'll see just how behind I'm going to get while I'm out from my syllabi.
Signing off, comment at will.
Friday, January 14, 2011
The Perks of Being a Wallflower..
So, I have read that book, and despite that, I have to say I see no perks to being a wallflower.
Have you ever felt like you blend into the wallpaper? Like when you're in the room, no one actually notices. You could leave and it wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference. Well, join the club.
Spoiler Alert: This may look like a pity party, and if you feel that way, I suggest you leave now. I'm feeling shitty, and this is my outlet, since nothing else can be anymore.
Sometimes, I just don't understand people. How can you think it's okay to ignore someone so plainly, yet expect them to be there for you? It's so one-sided, and a little hypocritical.
On the other hand, would it be too much to ask for a little self-worth? I have none. I see no benefit to being me, and honestly, I wish I weren't. I don't know how to change that, and after eight years of therapy, I've given up trying. It may never happen. So am I going to have to live the rest of my life thinking nothing of myself? Or is there a 12-step program for this, or perhaps some informational DVDs featuring a man with a lopsided toupee, which will help to "enhance my self-confidence."
I just googled it, and actually there is..
I'm starting to think that maybe I'm wired differently from the rest of the world, or rather, the rest of the people my age..it's Friday night and instead of going out getting shitfaced at some crappy bar on Lark, I'm reading Pride and Prejudice...which is fast becoming a favorite, outranked only by Sense and Sensibility, Wuthering Heights, and Rebecca.
I find myself sometimes wishing that I lived during a different time period. I'm not suited for this life. I would kill to live in a time where manners mattered, sense mattered, and being responsible and kind were things that were valued.
Or maybe I'm just crazy. (most likely)
I am the human doormat. I never stand up for myself, I honestly do not know how. I fear people disliking me so much that I cannot bring myself to tell them that "Hey, I exist, and I'm not here to serve you.."
Maybe I'm not ready for this. My mind is completely in chaos. I sometimes feel like there's no one I can relate to, (unless I'm pretending), and that..to borrow an emo phrase, no one understands me. I'm on a different wavelength than the rest of the world. I try my hardest not to let that show, but I really can't help thinking that maybe I'm just weird, and I think others notice sometimes too.
Maybe it's true. I'll come out of my shell and be confident (read normal) after WLS. But from what I remember of before I gained, I was pretty awkward around people then too.
So my question to all of my (non-existant) readers is, How do you relate to people? Is it totally fake? Is it something that can be taught? (insert hopeful face here).
In other news, either my (brand-new but cheap) scale is broken, or I am just not losing weight anymore..
I really hope it's the former, and I think it might be, considering I stepped on it 5x in a row and got 5 numbers with a range of 10 pounds. Thinking of returning it, and getting one that (I hope) will not do the same, because it freaks me out that apparently, I've lost 2 pounds this week. Not good considering I need 20 gone for surgery in 20 days. A pound a day, probably unrealistic.
Signing off, comment at will.
Have you ever felt like you blend into the wallpaper? Like when you're in the room, no one actually notices. You could leave and it wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference. Well, join the club.
Spoiler Alert: This may look like a pity party, and if you feel that way, I suggest you leave now. I'm feeling shitty, and this is my outlet, since nothing else can be anymore.
Sometimes, I just don't understand people. How can you think it's okay to ignore someone so plainly, yet expect them to be there for you? It's so one-sided, and a little hypocritical.
On the other hand, would it be too much to ask for a little self-worth? I have none. I see no benefit to being me, and honestly, I wish I weren't. I don't know how to change that, and after eight years of therapy, I've given up trying. It may never happen. So am I going to have to live the rest of my life thinking nothing of myself? Or is there a 12-step program for this, or perhaps some informational DVDs featuring a man with a lopsided toupee, which will help to "enhance my self-confidence."
I just googled it, and actually there is..
I'm starting to think that maybe I'm wired differently from the rest of the world, or rather, the rest of the people my age..it's Friday night and instead of going out getting shitfaced at some crappy bar on Lark, I'm reading Pride and Prejudice...which is fast becoming a favorite, outranked only by Sense and Sensibility, Wuthering Heights, and Rebecca.
I find myself sometimes wishing that I lived during a different time period. I'm not suited for this life. I would kill to live in a time where manners mattered, sense mattered, and being responsible and kind were things that were valued.
Or maybe I'm just crazy. (most likely)
I am the human doormat. I never stand up for myself, I honestly do not know how. I fear people disliking me so much that I cannot bring myself to tell them that "Hey, I exist, and I'm not here to serve you.."
Maybe I'm not ready for this. My mind is completely in chaos. I sometimes feel like there's no one I can relate to, (unless I'm pretending), and that..to borrow an emo phrase, no one understands me. I'm on a different wavelength than the rest of the world. I try my hardest not to let that show, but I really can't help thinking that maybe I'm just weird, and I think others notice sometimes too.
Maybe it's true. I'll come out of my shell and be confident (read normal) after WLS. But from what I remember of before I gained, I was pretty awkward around people then too.
So my question to all of my (non-existant) readers is, How do you relate to people? Is it totally fake? Is it something that can be taught? (insert hopeful face here).
In other news, either my (brand-new but cheap) scale is broken, or I am just not losing weight anymore..
I really hope it's the former, and I think it might be, considering I stepped on it 5x in a row and got 5 numbers with a range of 10 pounds. Thinking of returning it, and getting one that (I hope) will not do the same, because it freaks me out that apparently, I've lost 2 pounds this week. Not good considering I need 20 gone for surgery in 20 days. A pound a day, probably unrealistic.
Signing off, comment at will.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Without warning she gave up the ghost inside.
Stupid, crummy, broken scale. So much for that ten pound weight loss i (happily) reported.
Turns out my scale is a piece, and i only really lost 2 pounds. definitely not enough to keep nurse dearest happy. she immediately took me off lean and green and 3 shakes a day, and now i'm 5 shakes a day, no food. i don't know where i went wrong, well, yes, i do. i cheated one time, and screwed up my whole week.
now instead of the 10 pounds i thought i needed to lose in 3 weeks (thanks broken scale) i have to lose 20 in three weeks.
i need some serious motivation to not eat ANY food, no matter what it is.
other than that, not much to report. surg in 24 days (weight loss willing) and i start school next wednesday. i wish i didn't have to start school before the surgery, i'm sure i won't be able to focus at all, but what can i do.. i'm not giving up a whole semester to have this surgery, i've already lost a year. (see the lost year, or the year in bed, from my first post.)
ahhhhhhhh....life's nuts.
Turns out my scale is a piece, and i only really lost 2 pounds. definitely not enough to keep nurse dearest happy. she immediately took me off lean and green and 3 shakes a day, and now i'm 5 shakes a day, no food. i don't know where i went wrong, well, yes, i do. i cheated one time, and screwed up my whole week.
now instead of the 10 pounds i thought i needed to lose in 3 weeks (thanks broken scale) i have to lose 20 in three weeks.
i need some serious motivation to not eat ANY food, no matter what it is.
other than that, not much to report. surg in 24 days (weight loss willing) and i start school next wednesday. i wish i didn't have to start school before the surgery, i'm sure i won't be able to focus at all, but what can i do.. i'm not giving up a whole semester to have this surgery, i've already lost a year. (see the lost year, or the year in bed, from my first post.)
ahhhhhhhh....life's nuts.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Surg got moved up, it's now the 3rd of February instead of the 8th, and later in the morning, which means I no longer have to be to the hospital at the ungodly hour of 6am.
On the slightly more unforunate side, I still have 22 pounds to goal and only 3 1/2 weeks to do it instead of a little over 4. i'm losing patience and motivation, and MediFast tastes like chalk. wet chalk.
I'm supposed to be downing 3 of these shakes a day, but I can barely get down 2, and I'm finding myself giving in to temptation more than..well the never that I should be.
however, on the upside of this whine/rant, i just checked the scale and i've lost 10 pounds, so all is well in the world.
happy day! 25 days left!!
motivate me!
On the slightly more unforunate side, I still have 22 pounds to goal and only 3 1/2 weeks to do it instead of a little over 4. i'm losing patience and motivation, and MediFast tastes like chalk. wet chalk.
I'm supposed to be downing 3 of these shakes a day, but I can barely get down 2, and I'm finding myself giving in to temptation more than..well the never that I should be.
however, on the upside of this whine/rant, i just checked the scale and i've lost 10 pounds, so all is well in the world.
happy day! 25 days left!!
motivate me!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)