So, I have read that book, and despite that, I have to say I see no perks to being a wallflower.
Have you ever felt like you blend into the wallpaper? Like when you're in the room, no one actually notices. You could leave and it wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference. Well, join the club.
Spoiler Alert: This may look like a pity party, and if you feel that way, I suggest you leave now. I'm feeling shitty, and this is my outlet, since nothing else can be anymore.
Sometimes, I just don't understand people. How can you think it's okay to ignore someone so plainly, yet expect them to be there for you? It's so one-sided, and a little hypocritical.
On the other hand, would it be too much to ask for a little self-worth? I have none. I see no benefit to being me, and honestly, I wish I weren't. I don't know how to change that, and after eight years of therapy, I've given up trying. It may never happen. So am I going to have to live the rest of my life thinking nothing of myself? Or is there a 12-step program for this, or perhaps some informational DVDs featuring a man with a lopsided toupee, which will help to "enhance my self-confidence."
I just googled it, and actually there is..
I'm starting to think that maybe I'm wired differently from the rest of the world, or rather, the rest of the people my age..it's Friday night and instead of going out getting shitfaced at some crappy bar on Lark, I'm reading Pride and Prejudice...which is fast becoming a favorite, outranked only by Sense and Sensibility, Wuthering Heights, and Rebecca.
I find myself sometimes wishing that I lived during a different time period. I'm not suited for this life. I would kill to live in a time where manners mattered, sense mattered, and being responsible and kind were things that were valued.
Or maybe I'm just crazy. (most likely)
I am the human doormat. I never stand up for myself, I honestly do not know how. I fear people disliking me so much that I cannot bring myself to tell them that "Hey, I exist, and I'm not here to serve you.."
Maybe I'm not ready for this. My mind is completely in chaos. I sometimes feel like there's no one I can relate to, (unless I'm pretending), and that..to borrow an emo phrase, no one understands me. I'm on a different wavelength than the rest of the world. I try my hardest not to let that show, but I really can't help thinking that maybe I'm just weird, and I think others notice sometimes too.
Maybe it's true. I'll come out of my shell and be confident (read normal) after WLS. But from what I remember of before I gained, I was pretty awkward around people then too.
So my question to all of my (non-existant) readers is, How do you relate to people? Is it totally fake? Is it something that can be taught? (insert hopeful face here).
In other news, either my (brand-new but cheap) scale is broken, or I am just not losing weight anymore..
I really hope it's the former, and I think it might be, considering I stepped on it 5x in a row and got 5 numbers with a range of 10 pounds. Thinking of returning it, and getting one that (I hope) will not do the same, because it freaks me out that apparently, I've lost 2 pounds this week. Not good considering I need 20 gone for surgery in 20 days. A pound a day, probably unrealistic.
Signing off, comment at will.
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